Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Good morning MCC

This last week left me feeling as helpless and flailing as one of the swimmers it's my job to rescue.
We call them distressed swimmers. Seldom does a lifeguard charge into the deluge, dive deep to scoop a motionless body and perform CPR mid a ring of breathless bystanders.
No, most victims are capable swimmers who simply push a tick too far. They aren't drowning, an occasional overhand or arrhythmic kick keep noses just above the surface. But the aren't making much progress and scant energies are waning too fast. Its an easy save, just toss them a rescue tube and tow them back to the wall.
I haven't worked at the pool - there's no relief guard this late in the season - since last Tuesday, when Jenn met me at the car when I got home.
'My cervical cancer is back, but Dr. Chris can just do a procedure in two weeks and I'll be fine.'
She said it in one mouthful, breaking the news and ending discussion in a single gulp of oxygen. I was speechless for a few seconds; my wife walked away, back to her truffle patch.
It was like I breathed a gulp of pool water. For a week, I've coughed and sputtered, made vain attempts to carry on, made no forward progress.
But this morning, I float.
Back at my piddling pool job. When we swam the Jordan Channel that summer for Boy Scouts, the guard said to dead-man's float if we got too tired and were in trouble.
'Roll on your back, take a deep breath and old it,' he said. 'Your lungs work just like an innertube. You can float on them to rest.'
It doesn't pay real well, and I hardly get enough hours to help if it did. But I can float here; there's a paycheck and four hours of daily distraction, plus all the sunlight I care to soak up (don't they say the Vitamin D helps your mood?).
Mrs. Scott, a youngster at 71, finishes her 10 laps. Her breath is deep but steady.
I say good morning, how are you, but too early. Mrs. Scott's still pulling up her swim cap and digging wax seals from her ears.
'We're happy to have you back,' she says.
Mrs. Scott, Mrs. Schram, Doocey and Miss beverly: They keep me working here as much as the paycheck does. These ladies are determined to stay in shape. The pool is the most pleasant way; they'd be here to swim whether anyone guarded them or not.
Not a one under 70, they've been known to clamber over the fence on days no one unlocked the gates. But you can't count the ways something could go wrong as the sweet ladies go about their workouts. They know it, and when the alarm bleats out at 4:30 in the morning, the consequences of my absence pry open my eyes.
Its getting cool in the morning now. They'll soon start swimming indoors at the Y. No difference really; there's an early guard on duty there.
'I'm going to miss seeing you when I start swimming at the Y,' Mrs. Scott said.
'You have a great day,' I said, wrapping the strap tightly around my rescue tube. 'We'll see you here tomorrow.'

Friday, September 14, 2007

Why country folks don't buy shredders

Few thing make document disappear like a backyard bonfire fed by the family's paper castoffs, combustion prolonged By oak, maple and sweetgum limbs blown off during autumn's faithful pm thunderstorms.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Down came the rain and ...

After a rainless, sweltering August, rainstorms are welcome. Even if it rains out our plans to play on the swingset, the patter of rain on an aluminum roof was never so peaceful and soothing as this year.
Ala. Gov. Bob Riley signed an executive order that declared a week to pray for rain back when Montgomery was in its second week of triple digit mercury. Though skeptics would point to the change of seasons, I like the idea of fervent prayer convincing God to wash the spider out Himself.
File under: Writing just to write

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Where it all happens ...

If your definition of 'it all' includes 'almost nothing.' That's my coffee, made by a darling lady whose been waging and folding dirty laundry here since 1986.
In the background sits the new pool bar, a simple structure that mysteriously took all summer to build. While the bar/gazebo is mostly complete, the patio/annoyance project it spawned is likely to drag on til next summer. A stunning example of mission creep, and one oddly opposed by every member who related their opinion.

The hardest working Lazy-ass in town

That's me. Lifeguards at this storied bastion of old Southern money are unique for their stunning feats of inactivity and the near endless lenience management extends.
But I hate lay-abouts, especially when their sloth gums up perceptions of my work ethic. So I bust ass to go above and beyond. I study regular swimmers' habits, aiming to fill their wants before they've even come to mind.
The idle hours remain legion. Yet my extra efforts - a towel or bright pink noodle offered just as its needed - mask the abiding laziness which led me to take this job.
As a lifeguard this summer, I've become the hardest working lazy-ass in town.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Sunday, July 15, 2007

The magical content producer

May look like just a seldom used kitchen Implement. But its not.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

What's Dr. Jihad's root cause

A la Mark Stein:
So the next editor of Webster's might like to include a new New York Times definition of "disenfranchised": "complacent liberal assumption designed to reassure readers that they can fit this story into all the old cliches about the usual root causes".

Friday, June 29, 2007

Mantra of the happy husband

'Whatever you wanna do baby.'

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

instinct ... honesty ... divorce

The couple was standing close, holding each other beside a lake. Sunset shimmered in vibrant colors. Tears were welling in Shannon's eyes.
Then Pavlov's bell rang. Mike's hand had instinctively drew his Blackberry on the first vibration.
"You love that thing more than me," Shannon sobbed.
"Well, it is more useful."

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Enough mobile blogging

The young man below is moving into position for a Canopener, a reliable choice off the diving board if your sum is to soak Mom, the lifeguard or anyone else who looks dry.
This CO was good enough to edib my pool-blogging ass back to the guard shack.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

A day at the beach

Honestly, its not mUch of a beach. Its on Lake Martin, a lovely manmade lake in central Alabama.
But the sand, a mix of eroded ahale and granite atop layers of gooey gooey squish and our state's signature red clay.
It grinds the kids' knees a rosy red, but were for hours and a couple hundred dollars from the nearest beach. They'll settle for substitutes.
It does make decent, if primitive sand castles, though. The goo and gravel combine like cement, as granite pebbles jag out like seige-busting spikes.

Writer's block

Folks tell me I have a natural talent for writing. But I never know what to say when faced with a blank unfamiliar page.
I have dozens of great stories, from smoking a joint with Vanilla Ice - 'call me Rob,' he said - to one night in NAshville where I discovered the end result of mixing Spaghetti Vesuvius and some drinks served in blue plastic grenades.
People laugh when I tell the stories, but rarely has anyone insisted I relate them to a new acquaintance.
Mostly, I let others tell the stories. I'm an easy laugher, and it spares me the quiet humiliation of someone interrupting before I even set the stage.
But when I sit before the flourescent void of a blank page, my thoughts bog down in examination of my debilitating lethargy. I've not found the mental traction to power out of my creative bog.
'Suggestions,' I'd ask, if I wasn't so sure my whines were echoing around an empty room.

After a big day playing and pooping,

There's nothing better than chilling out with the Larry-mobile.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Trust no one

The one constant in my life is a lack of trustworthy peers. Does anyone in my generation tell the truth? Does anyone have my back?
Or will I just find that each >REDACTED< made a play for my >>REDACTED<>REDACTED<<>>REDACTED<< at the simplest difference of opinion?
All I want is a normal life, yet soap-opera BS is lurking at every corner.

UPDATE: Don't you just love it when you write a post that's a little more honest than necessary. This thing had some useful questions, but overall was as whiny as a leper at the beach.
Since I don't have any readers, it doesn't really matter. But, one day I'd like to, and I plan to preserve posts to document my evolution (hopefully). So I'll leave the embarrassing melodrama for your mild amusement, while zapping some verbs and nouns that could add friction.
However harmful self-censorship is to the free flow of information, no principle should outweigh self preservation.
I like the new way; it's like Mad-Libs.
This post also illustrates the danger of a crackberry-powered blog. Off the cuff mobile posts tend toward uninspired "because I can" doldrums.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Life is good ...

Even at 6 am, when this us where you punch the clock. Guarding doesn't pay well, but the office is hard to beat.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Friday, May 18, 2007

Guess someone should've kept his Falwell views to himself

Or at least not expressed his anti-Christian bigotry on the Empire State Building's observation deck.
lightNYDN1805_800x572.jpg JPEG Image, 800x572 pixels - Scaled 81

Why encourage lawlessness

The immigration compromise struck yesterday (Bush-Kennedy? Who'd they think would be pleased by that alliance?) will only full our country with an underclass opposed or unable to assimilate as previous immigrants have.
Sure, it'll get the lawnwork done, but at the expense of our young and poor who believe Pursuit of Happiness includes a truly living wage.
Companies, if forced to pay what the job is worth, would build that wage into the balance sheet. Instead, our leaders made it easier to underpay the ignorant, and ignore the unemployed.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

And the living is easy

Mrs. Brightside on a perfect windswept lake Martin day. Even baited her own hook.